Always Changin'

It's amazing to see how fast things change here at Willow...in fact change happens so often that it's sort of become a daily rhythm here. Tying that to the fact that Willow is a pretty big sized church, when leadership leaves or changes it is often more of a rumbling than an earthquake as news of the change reaches Promiseland.

On Tuesday, however, an earthquake really did hit home more as Dave Staal, the director of Promiseland announced to the staff that he had resigned. His testimony to the change was tied to the scripture that speaks about fishing on the other side. He said in his own life he had become willing to fish all over the lake, but wasn't sure if the man who he once was, who was willing to jump out of the boat and follow Christ anywhere, was still in him. God posed the question to him, 'What happened to the man who was willing to leave the business world and follow me into ministry? Does that man still exist?'

This is a great learning point in our own daily lives...are we willing to jump out of the boat, leave it behind and follow Christ when we are asked to? Or have we become comfortable in the way things are, so much so that we can't be sure that willingness is still there?

At the end of August Dave will be moving on from Promiseland to become a director at the headquarters for Kids Hope. This is an amazing program that connects at risk kids to mentors, who may be one of the few stable adults in their life who really care about them and pour into them.

It's still funny to me to see how different people have reacted to the news of Dave's departure. For some it's hard to process and they wonder what the times that are coming will be like. Others simply shrug their shoulders and say, 'Well, that's Willow...things are always changing.' So what's my reaction? Well, my home church went through a ton of leadership change last summer and I can honestly say that God works through those unsure, shaky moments. Besides it's great to know that God already knows how things work out...and it'll all work out for the good.

Pray...and expect things to happen.

In Andy Stanley's book "Visioneering" he talks about how critical prayer and planning is during the time of waiting for vision to become reality. He speaks about how not only is it important for you to be praying for opportunity, but also to be planning...figuring out a strategy so that when those opportunities come up you don't end up missing them. A quote from the book says, "Pray for opportunities and plan as if you expect God to answer your prayers."

This one thought has stuck with me since I've read this book. How often do we pray without really expecting God to do anything? I know I've done it plenty of times. My prayers usually sound something like "Please God...if you're willing...if it's in your will please let this happen."

Those prayers were so whimpy. Instead of praying with strength, I sounded more like I was on the fence...it was nothing more than some wishy washy prayer. And the truth of the matter was that there was no reason for me to really ask God for what I wanted, because let's face it He's God and He'll do what He wants anyhow.

But then I read the scripture that tells me, "Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” Matthew 21:21-22 And I think of the quote from Andy Stanley's book.

Now as I pray...I pray with confidence expecting God to answer my prayers.

This weekend was a great example of this. Originally we had only five leaders signed up to serve in K.1. Now to lay it all out 5 leaders to about 100 kids...not good ratios. Plus Erin was seeking to take Sunday off, but those plans fell through with no one to cover for her. On Saturday one of our regular coaches comes in so I knew that she and I could cover the semi-less hectic Saturday service. That way Erin could take a break and attend service. My prayer through the week was that God would provide enough volunteers to cover all of our color teams. My prayer also included the fact that Tony (Erin's husband) wouldn't be needed to serve as well, so they could go to service together (something that rarely, if ever happens).

So how did it all turn out? God provided one leader for every color team, 3 leaders for our gold team (which is always the biggest) so we could split them into 3 smaller teams, and provided another room leader, so with 3 of us pointing the room Erin and Tony were able to take a well deserved break and went to service together. I prayed expecting God to work things out and He took care of it better than I imagined.

Self

Here is a more recent poem that I wrote tonight. I think it's a great start to describe my twenties (you know the whole 3 years or so of it).

Self

Can I choose to live dogmatically?
I see the answer’s no,
How can I live a rigid life?
When things just ebb and flow.

There’s some that I would die for,
Truths to uphold,
But for all that I would perish for,
Not all have I been told.

The truth of a Savior,
I see it’s worth a life,
A truth that’s gripped my heart, my mind,
Worth all the earthly strife.

But others worth dying for?
I’ll only see in time,
For in the joys and challenges,
Myself I hope to find.

Mask

I've posted this before, but I think it's a great reminder just to see how far I've come in battling against these areas where Satan has attacked me. Don't get me wrong...these are still areas that I struggle in, but now I see them in a whole different light than when I wrote this poem in 2004. I know longer see my art and my writing as a weakness or something I'd want to trade to be more outgoing. And I'm learning to move past the fear, to renounce it, because fear is from Satan and I don't want him to have any part of my life. This poem shows the comparisons I placed on myself to someone, some ideal person, that I clearly didn't measure up to. But as I'm getting older I'm seeing myself more clearly as who God has made me and it's fun (and certaintly challenging at times) to see how God has wired me.

Mask

Take away my mask,
And leave me face to face.
With the world I do not fear,
Yet afraid of who I am.
Take away the paper,
And the grace with which I write.
Shatter all the pencils,
Leave me with words that I must speak.
Take away the paintbrush,
To face reality.
No more worlds of blissful delusion,
As I color what I see.
Take away this deep emotion,
That I truly don't belong.
Causing me to analyze everything,
Teach me how to have fun.
Take away these walls,
Built up so thick inside.
No bottled tears of joy or pain,
I want my heart upon my sleeve.

Just Trust

Recently I've stepped into a much more social role on the weekends. With summer serve here we have all new volunteers every service each weekend. We've also combined our rooms putting K and 1st together.

Now as you step into the Kindergarten room on the weekend it seems to be busting at the seems, but I love seeing the community of being all together. As for my role, I'm filling in for the coaches and admins each service. I meet and greet the new volunteers and answer any questions they may have, I plug them in to which color team they'll be the small group leader to and I introduce them to any other volunteers they may be serving with during the hour. I also keep an eye out for safety, greet the kids as they come in, and answer any questions parents may have. All of that is covered under a coaches role. As an admin I make sure all the leaders have what they need and I count the name tags to see how many kids we have.

So far we've had two weekends of this new summer formatting and the first one went great. Being with kids and new volunteers energized me...and with that much going on during the weekend I was pretty much flying high on adrenaline. This past weekend was the same, but the adrenaline rush wore off during the last service. And when that rush was gone I could feel myself getting drained.

Being an introvert when things become far too social with very little down time I end up completely zapped. It's not just a feeling of being tired, but one of complete exhaustion paired with a persistent headache. It also comes with a strong desire just to be away from people and it's a struggle to even focus enough to talk to someone. Unfortunately I've found that this can last for a couple days before I feel completely back to normal.

After last weekend I ended up with this...well what I like to call a social hangover. As I tried to describe it to people they gently reminded me that the social pace I experienced last weekend is the normal of children's ministry. It didn't take long for the doubts to come again in my mind of 'am I really wired to do this?' For so long it's seemed that the only image I knew of children's ministry is one person leading...they may have a great team under them, but ultimately they are the ones at the top.

But in coming to Willow for the summer I've come to realize that there's more to children's ministry than that one position. I feel like I could work hard, try my best and force myself into a role that may ultimately drain me (maybe not right away, but eventually it would) or I can lean more into roles that are my sweet spot. Maybe it's not what I've pictured up until this point, but I'm gonna trust that my 'sweet spot' job does exist and that if I trust God and follow him he'll lead me to that place where my heart is beating with his and kid's lives will be impacted for his kingdom.

And so for now...I'm going to push the doubts aside and just trust. And when the fear creeps in I'll keep repeating 'Just trust'.

"For he shall have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

End with a bang!

Watching the fireworks was fun. Especially when the kids decided to name em. They came up with some pretty creative names, like crazy tuna and exploding spider web.

Gone swimmin'

Delaney...one very adventurous little girl. She wasn't content sitting on the first step, she wanted to dive in.

Carson and daddy
I love Porter in his goggles

Warmin' up in the hot tub

July 4th...Yeah Baby

I think this has been one of the best 4th of July's I've had. It was great hanging out with the Dutters and everyone all day. We went to a parade in the morning, swimming for the afternoon, dinner at Rusty's and then fireworks. It was great.

Rusty and Porter waitin' for the parade to begin
Carson's ready for the candy to come
I love the donut pics...first contemplating...
...then chowing down

Paradigm Shift

I learned once that in order to rebuke Satan, it needs to be verbal. To me it seems funny to speak it out; after all I serve a God who knows the depths of my heart--verbal and non-verbal both. But it's such a comfort to me to know that God who loves us, loves us to the core of who we are and Satan, who hates us can't read our thoughts or hearts. We must be careful though, because he does lie to us and our thoughts can be tainted and distorted. Ultimately, Satan has no power over us, but sometimes we give him too much. His influence on us maybe external, but we internalize his lies

Looking at scripture I see that whenever Satan was rebuked it wasn't just thought about...it was spoken. Think about it; Jesus wasn't calling Peter "Satan" he was rebuking Satan. He wasn't about to let Satan twist his mind with lies.

So what is all of this about? You might be wondering why I'm writing about this topic. One of the hardest parts about this internship has been making phone calls during the week to the volunteers and parents...even some calls inviting people to serve. Every time Erin has asked me to call I've resisted. I've fought against it and felt almost paralyzed from the fear of initiating those conversations over the phone.

I've taken a hard look at why I've reacted this way to making calls, after all my job at school for two years has been to call prospective students and the main reason I've kept that job is because it's preparing me for this part of ministry. I realize that fear doesn't come from God, which means I've been believing a lie.

Well, I've decided that's not how I'd like to live. I don't want to be ruled by fear and the lies Satan feeds me. So I decided to rebuke him...it may have felt a little funny saying it out loud, but overriding the awkwardness of it was freedom. I've taken away Satan's foothold in my life, no more lies, no more fear binding me to in-action. After all it's not really about me.

Since all of this, I continue to pray over it, but I've noticed a shift in the way I feel towards calling people. The fighting feelings are gone and the paralyzing fear is reduced to nerves, which can be overcome by clearing my throat and breathing deep.

So, what's the point of all of this? Simply to say (out loud, of course) "Shut up Satan, I rebuke you in the name of the Lord."